I understand vegetarians. I've been married to vegetarians. I'm clearly not one, but I understand why someone might want to be one. I don't, however, understand Tofu Bacon. Ok, if you have some medical condition that says you absolutely will die if you even touch bacon, and yet, you absolutely feel like you'll die if you can't have bacon, well, then maybe. Emphasis on, "maybe." But it just doesn't seem to me that there would be enough people in the world like that to provide a real market. I'm obviously wrong, because there it is in the refrigerated Birkenstock case: Tofu Bacon.
I get veggie burgers. I get soy milk. And by, "get," I mean understand, not purchase. But bacon -- the real kind -- is about as carnivorous a statement as one can make. Just back that pig over here, and I'll slice a bit off, and fry it up. Instant lumberjack. It's just odd to me to think that anyone who's made a commitment to a meat-free existence would even want something non-meat that mimics such a meaty experience.
And therein lies the rub. Because tofu bacon isn't bacon. Not by a long shot. Not a good mimic -- trust me on this. Nor, can I imagine, could it possibly be the essential vegetarian food experience. I have to believe, by not truly committing fully to either side of the pig fence, eaters of tofu bacon are getting a second rate experience, no matter how you slice it. (Sorry. Couldn't resist.)
Which brings me to the Nerf SwitchShot.
In the early days of this century, at the height of my critically acclaimed toy-directing odyssey, I found myself in a unique position among American directors. No one on the planet had more experience directing commercials for large, powerful squirt guns than I. Eight straight years of SuperSoakers epics had honed my watergun-action-sequence directorial skills to a razor's edge. Coincidentally, neither did anyone on the planet have as much experience directing toy guns that shoot soft foam projectiles. My work with Nerf from its earliest days as a rogue outpost subsidiary of Hasbro, followed by years of shoot-em-up Nerf gun spots that got progressively more sophisticated, had me in a unique position in the commercial production world. As luck would have it, the official absorption of Larami, the makers of SuperSoakers, by the corporate toy giant Hasbro, which owned Nerf, brought together the two most powerful forces in toy firearms. And somewhere, deep in a plastics lab, a group of engineers concocted the Nerf SwitchShot. Designed to put an end, once and for all, to any neighborhood arms race -- the Nerf SwitchShot was a sophisticated total assault weapon that shot -- here it comes -- BOTH darts AND water.
It was a total piece of shit.
Too small to have a tank that could provide volume or pressure, the stream of water that came from the SwitchShot roughly resembled an old man urinating. To accommodate the swivel-action (SWITCH!) barrel assemblage, as well as the undersized water tank, the spring mechanism that fired darts was small and flimsy, so only the tiniest darts could be used, and they kind of pooped out and fell to the ground. Any kid foolishly armed with a SwitchShot couldn't even hope to be a match for his little sister and some leftover Easy Bake mix. But, of course, duty called, and I and my crew make the thing look FREAKIN' AWESOME. I hereby apologize to anyone out there who bought this sorry excuse for a backyard havoc-maker on the basis on my commercial.
Even the client, a Larami vet, conceded, "It's awful. They tried to make it do both, and it doesn't do either worth a damn."
Which, at long last, brings me to advertising, and other forms of communications. Especially advertising and other stuff on the web, as created by people who have spent careers creating nothing but traditional advertising. The thing is, the two animals are different -- the web, and traditional forms, I mean. And we've all had it drilled into our heads for a bazillion years that it's not a campaign unless it all works together, and I believe that, but we almost always misinterpret that to mean it all should be exactly the same. And it shouldn't. The chances that your print ad will make a great point roll are infinitesimally small. But not as small as the chances it'll make a good landing page. People use the web differently than they use traditional things like magazines and TV, so things you design for the web should be designed for the way people use things there.
You wouldn't take a screen grab of your home page and run it as a magazine ad, would you? So, how come so many agencies think it's ok to do exactly the reverse? I'm just asking. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got some bacon burning in the pan.
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